Book of Lifetimes
by Rosabell
Summary: Years later, Yue questions Clow's wisdom in making him immortal. An old friend comes to him in this time of mourning and takes him to the past,where the answer is something he never expected.
1. Prologue: The Question

-1Book of Lifetimes

Prologue: The Question

The last time he shed tears was when Clow Reed passed away. He had wept like a lost child, or rather an abandoned child, because it had seemed like Clow Reed had gone away and left him behind. During his teachings Clow Reed had left out the concept of death. He had deemed it rather unimportant to those who will never meet it

Over the years it seemed more and more like Clow had misjudged on this account. For all his wisdom, the ancient magician was by no means infallible, further proven by his reincarnation, Hiirigaziwa Eriol, who grudgingly admitted that Clow Reed's predictions were foiled by Li Syaoran and Kinomoto Touya. It was also possible that the magician had been selfish in that one regard. His decision to make Kerberus and Yue immortal meant his cards will always have guardians. Guardians doomed to serve however many masters will come to own the cards. And lose them in the end.

It was raining hard. The sky was completely black, with no stars, and the city, despite its glittering lights, was damp and gloomy and sullen. The cold chilled the heart, and the water seemed to beat misery onto the skin. Yue looked over the streets numbly. He had no tears to shed, but it seemed the sky had plenty and they clung to his face like they were his own.

_" I do not want to leave you alone…"_

First Touya, then his sister. Touya died from lung cancer not two months after he was diagnosed. Cancer in one family member often finds itself in another. Sakura died from a malignant brain tumor despite operations. In the end she had not been able to say goodbye to her guardians or friends. Neither had they to her.

It was the first time Yue had wondered if he would die if he let himself fall from the top of some building. Even with Clow Reed the thought never crossed his mind. Though sorrowful, the man had made him promise to serve the next master faithfully, and Yue, heart heavy, had agreed and remembered. Sakura did not have time to ask the same of him or Kerberus. Her last operation left her in a coma for three days. One the doctors had promised she would wake up from.

_Of all the times to prove them wrong…_

Yue was shuddering. He was not sure whether it was the cold from the rain or the cold inside him. Somewhere, several miles away, her children mourned her, and Kerberus with them. Kero had attached to the children far more easily than Yue. With his colder, more introverted disposition, the children had been more intimidated by the moon guardian than anything. Often times that meant he was left alone and free to pursue his own interests. At times like this he wondered if he would feel any less cold had he had someone to share his sorrow with.

His despair would probably not be any less black.

The cars below honked and puddles splashed as the wheels drove over them. Yue looked to the sky but found no solace. It was black, like his future. Always filled with death, loss, and grieving. _What is the point?_

Should he try? Should he step off and see if he could join his masters?

Yue stood still, looking down, his mind numb and his heart dark and empty. He made no move toward the edge. He made no move at all. His thoughts were silent. He only knew that if he were pushed, he would not bother trying to fly. Better the pavement in front of his eyes than the unforgiving future.

Suddenly, the rain stopped falling on him. Yue blinked. It was still raining. He could see the drops in front of him on the roof. He could hear it splatter in the puddles. He looked up. There was an umbrella over his head. Someone was holding it over him.

He looked left. No one.

He looked right.

It was a man. He was dressed quite peculiarly, with a brown hood and cloak. He was about as tall as Yue, if not taller. Over his gloved hand that held the umbrella was a metal cuff with strange engravings. The hood covered most of the man's face, only leaving part of the nose in view from Yue's angle. The man did not turn around.

Yue blinked uncomprehendingly, but said nothing. In such situations sometimes the answer was too obvious for one to ask the question, and somehow the guardian felt he would know who the man was, what he was doing here, how he got up here, and why he was not surprised about Yue. For Yue made no attempt to hide his magical origins. For a while the guardian stared at the hooded man, but when no conversation began Yue looked back over the city. Silence reigned.

Finally the man raised his head, and the hood fell off his head. He had short brown hair, with a metal circlet around his head over his forehead, thin and engraved with flourishing symbols. He was a very handsome man, very young, like one in the prime of youth.

Yue recognized him. He turned away again, for he was speechless.

Finally, the man spoke.

" Seems like the weather is mourning the Card Mistress."

He said it almost indifferently.

Yue snorted a laugh, which would not stop. Still laughing, he fell to his knees. The bones hurt, but he ignored it, in fact he welcomed it. Any pain but that of his heart.

The umbrella was still over him, but he was low enough so that when the wind blew the rain splattered at his face full force. He choked on the rain, but he cared little for dignity at that point. At the very least he stopped laughing.

For a while he remained there, letting the rain hit his face and eyes like before the umbrella sheltered him. For a while the man allowed him to remain there, but then the man stepped forward.

" Come." He said quietly, swirling his cloak over Yue, creating an air of unexpected warmth. " Let us get you inside."

Yue closed his eyes as the cloak cut off his view, but when the cloak moved away and light hit his eyelids he opened them to see they were in a familiar room. Yukito's bedroom. The water seeped into the carpet, creating a damp patch. Despite the fact that the rain had blown under the umbrella, the man was completely dry. He sat down in front of Yue on the carpet, cross-legged. For a while he seemed to consider Yue.

" Do you want to talk, moon guardian?" He asked.

Yue shuddered. He was surprised when he spoke. " I thought you would never return."

" I knew I would. I just did not know when."

" Why did you come now?"

" I wanted to."

" Then why not before?" Yue's voice rose in volume, his eyes flashing.

" I did not want to."

" Why not?" Yue asked, his voice quiet again, but cracked. He looked at the man pleadingly. " She waited for you, despite it all. Fifteen years before she finally gave up and opened to other men. She looked at your photos every year. Tomoyo's videos. She kept your green robe. Your sword."

" What if I did?" the man replied. " I would still have to leave. 'Tis a love that can never be. A visit means a fleeting moment of happiness, and then? The same bitterness in the end. She would still have died alone."

Yue's shoulders sagged. " Then why now?" He asked.

The man smiled wistfully. ' That you will know later. But now is not the time to inquire about my affairs." He paused. " Do you want to talk?"

They all had a lot to say, gathered thoughts over the years, but at the moment as Yue stared at him the guardian could find nothing. No thought, no feeling, nothing.

For a while they sat on the carpet in silence.

Finally Yue's companion broke the quiet. " Everyone is gone?" He asked. " Her brother?"

" Before her." Yue replied after some hesitation.

" No one is left then."

" Iie."

He looked at Yue. " Must be hard."

Suddenly Yue felt rage build in his core. Must be hard, indeed. It was so unbelievably crude of him to say that. He glared at the youth, suddenly wanting nothing more than to pummel him and shred his body limb from limb. The force of his anger made his shoulders tremble and he struggled to make it cease.

The man eyed him calmly as Yue suffered silently.

" They gave you airs." Yue observed, and with that his rage flew out. " They gave you airs. You had enough when you were young but now…"

" Perhaps."

" You find this amusing, even." Yue accused, and for the first time in a long while he felt tears prickling in his eyes. " You managed to escape. You look down on us, on me. Do not think I cannot see that. While the rest of us wonder why our lives are like this, you get to experience the freedom of detachment. Those you loved you stop loving. You leave us all behind for your godly duties."

For his part the man did not respond to this accusation. Yue shut his eyes then, suddenly spent. He felt his tears trail down his cheeks and lowered his face, letting his white locks slide forward to hide his grief. Again silence reigned. Thunder rumbled outside and as if in response the rain splattered against the windows with more force, as if trying to beat into the room.

" Why did he make me this way?" Yue whispered. " Why must I watch everyone else leave me behind?"

The man suddenly moved forward and took Yue's chin, the same way Yue had grasped Sakura's chin at the Final Judgment, and perhaps his, though Yue could not remember. His grip was more tender and more of a coax for Yue to look up at him than to study Yue's features and soul.

" Let us find out then." Said he.

And there was a warmth, all around him, before Yue could only see darkness.


	2. Vision of Beauty

-1Book of Lifetimes

Vision of Beauty

Normally unexpected guests in the household were just that. Unexpected. Because the surrounding magical barriers made it impossible for non-magical beings, or even average sorcerers, to enter the mansion without the master's permission. When Clow saw the young lad of about thirteen years, dressed in peculiar white dress, sitting in his study, his first reaction was surprise.

The youth looked harmless enough. Save for his rather thick brows, the child's face was almost delicate, with large golden eyes that seemed to glow with wisdom. Clow knew this was no ordinary child. Only great beings can pass through the barriers of the house undetected.

The boy was studying the cards Clow had already sealed. He looked up when he saw Clow enter.

" Master Clow." The boy set the cards down. " I have heard much about you."

From the corner of the room Yue and his companion watched. In a surprisingly considerate gesture of comfort the other man held Yue's hand in a firm yet gentle grasp.

" What is going on?" Yue asked, in a voice that was not shaky but still betraying his uneasiness.

" We are in the past." Answered his companion.

" How?" But Yue already knew the answer, and the man did not bother answering.

" Who are you?" Yue's former master asked, half inquiring, half demanding.

" You may call me _Yide__ñ__a_." The boy replied. " Who I am otherwise is of little consequence. My purpose here, however, is."

" And what is your purpose here?" Clow asked.

_Yideña _looked down at the cards and picked one up. " I know you are working on a project regarding the merging of two types of magic."

" Yes."

" I know you are simultaneously working on creating new life."

" Yes."

" You must understand the danger this poses, not just to you, but to the whole of the magical community, as well as the universe in general?"

Clow hesitated for a moment. " You are an Amade."

_Yideña _inclined his head. " I am more than that, Master Clow. But that is of little importance. I am not here to punish you, or censure your work. In fact, I merely wish to aid in its success."

Clow had stiffened when he realized the true identity of the youth, but at that announcement he visibly sagged in relief.

" Come then, Master _Yideña,_" Clow beckoned, " Let me show you then."

At the name, Yue stared at his companion. " It is you." He suddenly said. Before, when the boy introduced himself, the guardian had been too rattled to make the connection. " You…you went to the past."

The older _Yideña _nodded, and gave Yue's hand a soft squeeze. " Shall we follow?"

Still baffled by the realization, Yue did not protest as _Yideña _lead him out of the room to follow his younger self.

Clow led the boy to a locked door. The sorcerer took out a key from his robes and inserted in the lock, opening it with several timed turns. As it clicked open, Yue and his companion stood behind the two ancient memories and looked on as the door swung slowly open. Yue blanched as he saw what was inside.

There were two beds. One curled Kerberus, who was swinging his tail and looked up when Clow entered. The beast guardian said nothing. Perhaps it was before Kerberus had a voice. He had no real expression on his face, and looked more a lion with wings than the guardian of cards that Yue knew.

On the other bed was Yue himself, curled halfway in a fetal position, though with his wings spread out over the edge of the bed, it looked more like he curled gracefully in dance. His eyes were closed and he was not breathing. Yue was neither awake nor alive yet.

" This one is already half done." The boy noted, walking up to the lion. Clow reached out to stop the boy, but the lion did not attack the child. He let _Yideña _pet and stroke his ears.

" Fear not for my being." Said the child. " Nothing living dare harm me."

" I remember now." Clow replied.

Clow figured the boy probably already knew the circumstances, but the silence was getting heavy and he felt, out of courtesy, incumbent to explain the two beings.

" Originally it was that one." He gestured in the moon guardian's direction. " I saw him in a dream. A mighty angel, backed by the full moon, beautiful and fair. At first I thought it was some spirit, and I searched for a while. Then in the dream I noticed that he bore my crest."

Unconsciously, Yue's hand snuck to his hip. His companion did not ask how it was that Clow could have seen a mark in that place of all places. In the end it hardly mattered.

" Then I realized he was mine." Clow headed slowly over to the sleeping angel. " My creation. My child."

" So you endeavored to fulfill that dream."

" Yes." Clow hesitated. " But I was inexperienced. Almost as soon as I started, I felt it necessary to practice before I attempt to complete him."

" Hence, Ruby Moon and Spinel Sun?"

" Yes."

" And what of this fellow?" The Amadi child asked, still stroking the beast. " A different set of wings, perhaps?"

" I wanted to give him a companion." Clow replied. " The moon needs the sun for it to shine, and Spinel Sun has Ruby Moon to take care of. I wanted this one to take care of him." The man chuckled. " Truthfully, Master _Yideña_, I have no idea what I will do with either of them once they are completed." He gazed fondly upon the younger Yue. " I just know that I wanted to create something that was truly beautiful."

The younger _Yideña _smiled suddenly, a wistful smile. " What is his name?"

" Yue."

" Yue." repeated the child.

" Yes." Clow smiled. " Does he not remind you of the moon? The very personification. It's beauty. It's light in the shadow. The hope when all lies darkness. The beacon that prevails."

" Indeed." The boy looked upon the being.

" Father?" A voice suddenly called. " Father, where are you?" It was a girl's voice.

" Father," An older boy called as well. " Father, dinner is ready! Father, are you working on those blasted cards again?"

The boy looked up at Clow. " Go." He said to the sorcerer. " They are expecting you."

Clow understood this to mean that the Amade will not follow him. Bowing courteously, he took his leave, quietly closing the door behind him.

The younger _Yideña _turned to Kerberus, who swished his tail and laid his head back down again to sleep.

" Iie," the boy suddenly said in Japanese, " You would not know me now. You know not even yourself."

Kerberus had raised his head again when the boy spoke, but did nothing except flick one ear and then the other, before setting his head down again. The boy smiled wistfully.

The young _Yideña _turned to Yue's curled form and gazed upon the new guardian. There was something fresh about this Yue that was absent from the Yue standing next to the older Amade. All about him there lingered a young aura, like that of a newborn child. There was even a fresh fragrance, clean and bright.

The young _Yideña _lowered himself to his knees and rested his head for a moment next to Yue's face, studying the new guardian's features.

" What are you doing?" Yue asked quietly, composed enough to be curious.

He had let go of his companion's hand to walk toward the younger boy. The older _Yideña _silently disappeared behind him. Yue turned around at this but it was too late.

The guardian blinked, unsure what to make of this.

The boy behind him sighed. Yue turned his attention back to the child.

" Two years." The boy said to the sleeping version of the moon guardian. " I did not think I will be seeing either of you so soon, but it happens, I suppose. You look different now. Still impassive and indifferent, but not in an intimidating way. I would have confided a lot in you as you are now." Then the boy smiled wistfully again. " Then again, right now you would not answer me, which is probably largely the reason why."

Ignoring the uneasy feeling of seeing himself lying there, not even alive yet, Yue stepped across to look at the boy's face more closely. There was only a hint of that Amadi face left. The child kneeling there speaking to the past version of himself was undoubtedly still Li Syaoran.

" What did you have to confide in me?" Yue asked softly, hardly expecting the boy to hear him, but asking all the same.

And the boy did not answer, instead reaching out and touching Yue's cheek with the back of his fingers in an odd motion of tenderness. Yue blinked as he realized the hand was gloveless.

Syaoran withdrew his hand and continued to stare at the guardian for a while. He presented such a despondent figure that Yue could do nothing but watch him helplessly.

Then Yue felt the world fade and reappeared in Clow's dining room. He sorely wished to go back, if only to be with someone he knew again. He wondered where the older _Yideña _went.

Clow was sitting at the head of the table, with his wife at his right and his children about him. His oldest son looked younger than when Yue first met him. Perhaps he was only fifteen at this time. His second son looked about thirteen, and his oldest two daughters looked about ten and eight.

" Father," The oldest son, Von, greeted as Clow prepared to eat, " You look somewhat anxious. Did something happen with the cards?"

Clow appeared to consider this for a moment. " No. Not anything I can understand, at any rate."

" Which card?"

" Shadow Card. For some reason it was harder to mold it into a physical form than the Song or Voice Cards."

" Give it a wraith." Said the second son. " I always think of shadows as ghosts, with big gray hoods and menacing eyes."

" That is Death." Von glared. " Not Shadow."

" It may work still." Clow rubbed his chin.

" Be careful, if you must make it a wraith." Clow's wife, Gwende, warned. It seemed she was constantly warning him, even after Yue first woke. Gwende was not much of a sorcerer. Her talents were in healing, which was something that actually was lacking in the Clow Cards and still lacked when Sakura took over them. " Do not make a mockery of ghosts, or of God's minions."

" Indeed," Clow agreed, " However, magic chooses its forms, not I. If a wraith it is a wraith it must be, but while I shall keep that in mind I will not endeavor to try it till all other conceivable forms are attempted. In that I might leave Shadow for last, come to think of it."

The door was nudged open and Spinel walked in. The girls looked on happily but Von groaned.

" Father, that thing of yours with butterfly wings. Seriously!"

" It is oddly silent for a panther." Gwende opined. " Were you able to use the voice card yet?"

" No. Even Ruby Moon seems to function fairly like a soldier," And as if on cue, the other guardian walked in. Yue shuddered as he looked into her eyes. They were blank, completely devoid of emotion.

_A robot._ Yue realized. _This must be before Clow learned how to fuse his creations with a conscience._ He shuddered again and stared, half in disbelief, half in wonder at his former companion, one who he always remembered to be highly spirited and not a little bit irritating. It was eerie to see her so quiet and impassive. She did not seem to be alive at all, just animated.

" Come, husband," Gwende complained, " Must you allow these beings to interrupt our dinner as they do? It is hard enough to look upon them, the likeness of humans as they are despite their rather unconscious expressions, but to allow them to wander about as freely as us! And what is the point of creating these beings? For that angel guardian you saw in one of your dreams."

Clow had gotten up and took Ruby Moon by the shoulders. Spinel was less alarming given his form, but Ruby Moon was too human for the family's comfort. He steered her away from the room.

Yue watched them go. _Why am I seeing this?_ He wondered. _How does this answer my question?_

Clow headed back to the dinner table to join his family. The evening passed without much more information, with the girls talking about their day in the garden, the boys talking about their studies…

He wondered if he could control where he was. Realizing he could move his arms and legs, he tried walking around the dining room. When that worked, he tried heading out.

He passed through the wall, which did not surprise him. He wanted to find Syaoran.

This time when he approached the boy Syaoran spoke to him.

" I know you are there." The boy said softly. " I cannot hear nor see you, but I know you are there."

Yue was silent. After all, Syaoran could not hear him.

" You are alone." Syaoran noted. " She is not with you."

Yue shut his eyes at the reminder, but it was not the boy's fault.

Silence reigned for a while. Syaoran lowered his eyes to look at the prone Yue. " I hope we meet again." He said softly. " Even if you do not know me. They say you will be the only one I will ever meet again."

Yue swallowed nervously. " Syaoran," he called, but the boy did not hear him.

Kerberus's tail thumped as the lion raised his head again. Syaoran looked over to him. The sun guardian sniffed the air, flicked one ear, and jumped to the ground. He stretched his wings and yawned.

Syaoran smiled. " I like you this way." He said. " Perhaps I should keep you this way, so you do not give me future grief?" He reached out and stroked behind the lion's ear. " Iie, I think I will let you do what you will. You have a lesser fate, but one of great importance nonetheless."

Yue reached out and tried to touch Syaoran's shoulder. The boy flinched once, blinking. Yue wrapped his arms around the boy, suddenly glad that he was able to meet the child this way. It has been so long, and Yue did find himself missing the child very often, after the Amadi took him. Especially as the people he knew and loved began leaving him, one by one.

Syaoran had stiffened at first, then he relaxed. " You feel older." He whispered. " How long has it been?"

Yue moved his hand up to the boy's heart, feeling it beating. He remembered how long ago, in the maze, he first realized that Syaoran was so small. The boy was still tiny, and thin, but warm and alive.

Syaoran tensed. " Yue?" He whimpered. " Yue, what are you…"

Against his will, tears fell from his eyes and landed on Syaoran's hand. The boy fell silent.

Suddenly Syaoran jerked to his feet. Yue stepped back. The boy was looking around the room. His face had reverted back into that stoic mask of the Amadi.

Clow reentered the room. Yue turned around as his former master looked around the room.

The boy was gone.

It was strange to see himself being handled by his master, even if Yue already guessed it was how it was. Clow first waved his hands over the prone Yue's head, as if sensing and scanning. He then looked at Yue.

The door to the chamber opened and Von came in.

" I really wish I could wake him." Clow told him. " But I do not want to see him like the other two."

" The other three, you mean," The youth gestured at the lion. " Maybe you should put them all back to sleep and do some more research."

" I am contemplating that." Clow looked at Kerberus. " I think I will keep this one awake, however. It may turn out that we need them to be conscious."

Yue thought Clow's expression looked very much like Touya's when he was musing. He glided over to Von. Here, Von looked pleasant enough, not at all the sinister eldest son Yue knew him to be. When Yue woke Von seemed to use every opportunity to instill some seed of malice in Clow toward Yue. Not too long after the second son joined his brother. Only the daughters remained truly affectionate toward him. At the time Yue had been confused. Von and his brother treated all the other guardians cordially and were extremely affectionate toward Kerberus. It had hurt him deeply, and he sometimes wondered if they were the reason why he and Kerberus had been sealed in the book, while the other two were allowed to roam free.

" Delicate matters, no?" Von laughed, " What would you do if this fellow here were suddenly to burst into pieces?"

Clow laughed and wrapped his arm around his son. " I imagine I would be quite dismayed, and would venture to start all over again. What can be done once can be done again, however tedious it may be."

" If you dreamed of him, I think he will be fine." Von looked at his father. He was a bit taller than Clow. " I found a spell you might be interested in, though it needs quite a bit of modifying for our needs."

" Lead the way." Clow left the room, following his son.

Von led his father to the library, where on the table was an open book.

" This spell they use for golems in the east," Von told his father, " I think for zombies as well. It is a bit more complicated than the golems around here, in that they have this weakness the Chinese were not able to correct."

" Which is?"

" They seem to yield to pity." Von pointed at a line. " See that? It seems that they allow beggar children to pass into the winter cache. And women, though few come by. Robbers and thieves they still attack, however."

" That is not enough." Clow murmured. " I do not want the guardians to actually have a specific goal. I want them to have a personality, their own free thought."

" Well, that is why I said we need to modify it. Quite a lot. However, so far this is the closest I found."

" Indeed, you are quite right. Well, Let me see what we can do with this. Hear the call…yes, now this line I do not like. ' Set his purpose to my goal'. We shall need to replace that line."

" Underneath it has several versions of the goal." Von suggested. " Perhaps you can somehow state a goal after all, just not the orthodox one. After all, you do intend on accomplishing something with these guardians, that of your personality and free thinking drift."

" Hm."

As Clow contemplated this, he smoothed the guardian's hair with his hand affectionately. Yue glided over, not sure what he felt about witnessing this. He turned around, feeling ill at ease, and started when he saw _Yideña—_the one that brought him here, standing right next to him.

For a moment he stared speechlessly at the other man, but then, blinking, he quietly hissed, " Where were you?"

" I was here all along." _Yideña _replied.

" No you were not. I looked for you."

The Amade smiled.

" You only need one of me, Yue." He said. " What is done in the past, I cannot change. Right now, my younger self has withdrawn to a safer place."

Yue hesitated. " He…you were still vulnerable?" He corrected.

" Less so." _Yideña _looked back at Clow and Von. " But I was still young, and not fully matured. The Amadi race declines, and I risked much coming to Clow that time. The others forgave me for my sentiments, as they do now. The ten years among mortals can never be truly erased, so they never tried."

Clow and Von were starting to leave the room, perhaps to take a look at whatever it was Von was talking about. _Yideña _gestured, a silent inquiry as to whether or not to follow them. Yue followed ahead of the Amade. He was not sure which he preferred, Syaoran or _Yideña, _nor was he certain of his feelings about being taken back to the past to witness how Clow had adored him, even when he was not capable of returning that affection in the slightest way. How does this answer any question?

But the Amadi have strange ways, and _Yideña, _though Yue knew him as a child, has become as mysterious as the godly race he was part of. Syaoran Yue could still connect with, but he felt almost alienated by the Amade's cool indifference to his feelings. At the door the guardian turned around.

" You have changed a lot." Yue commented quietly, knowing he probably already said something like this back when he first met him and not expecting an answer.

" So have you." The Amade replied.

Yue turned around, realizing that _Yideña _was actually right. He walked out, his companion close behind.


End file.
